Letting Go
by Loridhhp
Summary: I'm just distracted," you'd snap at us when we'd laugh because you forgot where you parked your car. When you forgot what a car was, it stopped being funny. Lorelai/Emily oneshot. Sometimes letting go is the greatest act of love. Please read and review.


**Here is a little oneshot that came to me. It's a moment between Lorelai and Emily and it takes place far in the future. It is told in Lorelai's point of view. Sometimes, letting go is the most loving thing we can do. Please leave a review! Once you stop crying, that is!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! I just enjoy it all! Thanks to Amy Sherman-Palladino for her brilliance.**

**Letting Go**

It's cold, so cold. Outside the snow is falling. I always loved the snow: it was magical and I always felt so alive in its fluffy white goodness. Now, it's just a nuisance, something to cover the cold dead ground. I want it to stop. I want the sun to shine. I want to feel alive again and not so empty.

You used to scold me whenever I came in the house with slushy boots, shaking the snow from my hat and scarf as I removed them. It would ruin your floors, you'd say. Water spots were your worst enemy during those cold winter months, well that and mud tracked on your expensive rugs. I had to remove every wet article of clothing right there in the doorway, handing them to the maid, as I purposely shook the snow off them onto your perfectly polished floor. It made me so mad! I thought you cared more about your precious floors than me!

It's so quiet here. The sound of my boot heels clicking on the floor is creeping me out. It's too quiet. All I can do is pace and listen to myself breathe. Oh the irony of it all! How many times have you tried to silence my chattering? I talked when I was supposed to be listening. Maybe I just didn't want to hear what was being said. It was better to talk incessantly than to hear your words of criticism! You didn't seem to hear my words any way, whether I pleaded, yelled or tried to speak calmly: my words never seemed to reach your ears. Do you hear me now, Mother? Are you listening?

I don't know what to say to you. We've never really been good at deep conversations. Even small talk was challenging at times. Did you ever feel as awkward as I did? I was so afraid of spilling my guts to you, opening up and pouring my heart out, that I held back so many times. I knew we would only fight. And while I've never been one to shy away from a good argument, I hated defeat. More times than I could count, that's what I felt after one of our fights, defeat…and it hurt.

Then things began to change. Rory and I would joke about your little senior moments, as you liked to call them. You were overtired, overextending yourself with charity functions and your never ending support of Dad. "I'm just distracted," you'd snap at us when we'd laugh because you forgot where you parked your car, or couldn't remember people's names. When you forgot what a car was, it stopped being funny.

Dad finally retired to take care of you. He was afraid to leave you alone, afraid you'd set the house on fire trying to make a cup of tea. You didn't want to hear our concerns. Your pride was still intact, even if your memory wasn't. You hated feeling helpless and fought to maintain control. We fought more than ever. I didn't want to fight, Mom. I just wanted to help. I watched Dad get old real fast. His life revolved around taking care of you. Even when you started to forget what happened the day before, you still remembered Dad and the day you met him. That's what he lived on. Then you forgot his face as well. I've never seen a man so patient. I also didn't see the toll it took on him until his heart gave out from exhaustion. He just couldn't do it anymore.

Dad loved you so much, Mom, and I never understood just how deep that love went. I asked him one day why he chose to take care of you at home instead of putting you in a skilled nursing facility. He told me that you would rather die than go into a nursing home. "Your mother is my life, Lorelai," he said. "I will take care of her with the same devotion she gave me. When you love someone, that's what you do. You don't give up. Ever!"

He wanted you at home, with him, even though he had to hire round the clock care for you. Do you remember how he would sit with you, reading your favorite books? Do you remember the stories he told you so that you would remember us all? Do you remember all the photo albums he poured over with you, as he explained every picture to you? He put up with your mood swings, your anger and confusion, and he never stopped loving you. With his last breath, he said to me, "Take care of your mother Lorelai. You're all she has now."

Then he left us, Mom. He died and left me with the burden of taking care of you. I tried so hard, but I'm not Dad! I didn't have the patience he had. You yelled at me like I was some servant, and I guess in your eyes I was. You didn't recognize me! I lost it so many times! I didn't know it would be so hard! I was exhausted and fighting with Luke. I had no choice but to put you in here, Mom. I'm so sorry I failed you! Are you happy now, Mom? I admitted that I'm a failure!

I feel like all I've done in my life is fail you and Dad! I was so far from the perfect daughter you both wanted. I broke the rules, defied authority, created a scandal for the family by getting pregnant at sixteen. I've been such a disappointment to you and now you're here, in a place you desperately wanted to avoid, because I failed again! Where is that box of tissues? I'm so tired of crying. That's all I do lately! I'm a freakin' walking tear duct!

I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry, for everything, for hurting you so bad, for not being strong enough to take care of you now. Can you forgive me? I never meant to cause you so much pain. If only you could just argue with me, Mom. I never thought I'd actually miss it, but I do! Tell me to stop my sniveling! Tell me you hate my outfit! I miss you, Mom. Please remember me. I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but I love you, Mom. I love you and I'm so sorry.

Are you comfortable? Do you want me to fluff up your pillows for you? Are you thirsty? I'm just gonna climb up on the bed next to you, if that's okay with you? You look tired, Mom. Why don't you lean against me, and rest. It's just me Mom, Lorelai. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to hold you. That's it. Just rest. I'm here for you, Mom and I love you.

--

Emily Gilmore gazed up at her daughter's face, her eyes bright with a moment of lucid clarity. Lorelai caught her gaze, noting the tears filling her elderly mother's eyes. She brushed a strand of hair from her mother's face and smiled through her own tears.

"Lorelai," Emily whispered in recognition. "I love you too." With those words, Emily let go. Secure in her daughter's arms, she released her final breath and joined her husband.


End file.
